Lance: "Real Gone"

All I need to know about life, I learned from Lance Armstrong.

10. Just because you’re from Texas it doesn’t make you “big.”

9. “I represent change.” – Obama. “I’m the most tested athlete in history. I’ve never failed a drug test.” – Lance. Yeah, right. You can’t believe everything coming out of the mouth of the flavor of the month.

8. If you ride with Oprah, you’ll ride with anyone.

7. Forget the potential harm to your sex life… riding all day with a potato chip-shaped piece of leather up your crotch obviously directly affects the neural pathways to your brain.

6. Saying that “you give a dam” may simply mean that you’ve blocked up a creek on your property to create a swimming hole, increase pollution and annoy your neighbors.

5. While still recovering from a near-fatal cancer, he married Kristen Richards, who stayed with him through most of his Tour victories and bore three artificially conceived children (imagine the needles) and was his chief supporter and fan. He left her when his life returned to “normal.” Habitual victory seems to negatively affect faithfulness, loyalty, and trustworthiness.

4. He left fiancé and fellow cancer victim & Grammy Winner Sheryl Crow* – who wanted a child with him badly enough to consider artificial insemination – and immediately accidentally naturally impregnated a nobody biologist from Colorado. Nice, dude. Real class. I bet Sheryl thanks God she dodged that bullet every day of her life. Evidently, the more bike races you win, the less you think of the people who support and enable your success.

3. Winning the Tour de France takes heart and lungs and legs. Having a child out of wedlock…? Now that takes ball.

2. Lactic Acid and VO2 maximum endurance thresholds are inversely proportional to the intelligence and ability required to count your blessings.

1. Surviving Cancer and winning bicycle races gives you the right to act like an asshole.



*Real Gone - Sheryl Crow
(I finally realized that this describes Lance to a t….)

I'm American made, Bud Light, Chevrolet
My momma taught me wrong from right
I was born in the south sometimes I have a big mouth
When I see something that I don't like I gotta say it

We been driving this road for a mightly long time
Payin' no mind to the signs
Well this neighborhood's changed - it's all been rearranged
We left that change somewhere behind

Slow down, you're gonna crash
Baby you were screamin' it's a blast, blast, blast
Look out babe you got your blinders on
Everybody's lookin' for a way to get real gone, real gone
Real Gone

There's a new cat in town - he's got high paid friends
Thinks he's gonna change history
You think you know him so well, yeah you think he's so swell
But he's just perpetuatin' prophecy

Come on now

Slow down, you're gonna crash
Baby you were screamin' it's a blast, blast, blast
Look out, you got your blinders on
Everybody's lookin' for a way to get real gone
Real gone
Real gone
Real gone

Well, you can say what you want, but you can't say it 'round here
'Cause they'll catch you and give you a whippin'
Well I believe I was right when I said you were wrong
You didn't like the sound of that now did ya?

Slow down, you're gonna crash
Baby you were screamin' it's a blast, blast, blast
Look out, you got your blinders on
Everybody's lookin' for a way to get real gone

Well here I come, and I'm so not scared
Got my pedal to the metal - got my hands in the air
Well look out, you take your blinders off
Everybody's lookin' for a way to get real gone, real gone

Real Gone
Real Gone
Real Gone